• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
The Split Coach

The Split Coach

  • Home
  • The Split Coach
    • Testimonials
    • Out and About
    • Live Discussions
  • Blog
  • Resources
    • Upcoming Events
  • Start Here

Blog

November 3, 2020 by splitcoach Leave a Comment

Relationship Between Stepmom and Stepdaughter

“How many kids do you have?”

It’s one of the most common questions that I am asked and it’s consistently problematic for me. Sometimes I keep it vague and simply say that my husband and I have three kids together.  However, people typically expand upon this by asking their ages, and the 10 year age gap between my eldest and middle child generally raises eyebrows until I explain that the eldest is my stepdaughter, my husband’s daughter from his first marriage.  The interviewer generally responds awkwardly to all this and, for whatever reason, I feel like I deceived them somewhere along the way.

To avoid this routine, I usually tell the asker that I have a 9 year old and a 6 year old and a 19 year old stepdaughter, but it pains me to differentiate among my kids that way. You see, my stepdaughter Amanda has been in my life since she was three-years-old and I truly consider her as much my child as her siblings. Yet – and this is the conflicting part – she’s not 100% mine and I respect her mother too much to claim her as my own.

In the early stages of our relationship, people would often assume that Amanda was my daughter when we’d be out and about. A server would innocently ask me what my daughter would like to drink, for example, and Amanda would inevitably inform the server that I wasn’t her mother – that I was her father’s girlfriend. I learned to shrug it off, but I have to admit that it always slightly stung that Amanda couldn’t stomach even one person mistaking me for her mother.

I had to learn to shrug off a lot of things in those early stages.  Let’s just say that little kids generally lack tact, to put it mildly, and Amanda was not 100% on board with our relationship. She’d loudly ask her father how long I was staying when we were all hanging out; she’d refuse to let me touch her hair or help her in any way that she perceived to be motherly; she’d turn her nose up at any gift I gave her; and she’d make jokes about my appearance or go out of her way to be rude to me.

There were several occasions that I locked myself in the bathroom and questioned whether or not Amanda would ever accept me in her life.  I’d fake a smile and try my best to be supportive of her autonomy whenever she’d dismiss my help, no matter how rejected I felt.  If Amanda were rude about it, my husband Jim would respond appropriately as her father and would remind Amanda to mind her manners and apologize.  I really appreciated that he took on that role, because any stepparent will tell you what an uphill battle it can be to discipline a kid who doesn’t consider you their parent. My husband was also really good at carving out weekly alone time for just him and Amanda so that she wouldn’t have to feel like she was in a competition with me for his attention.

Two years later, we had all more or less adjusted to our new normal when Amanda did something that completely blew our minds.  Jim and I were watching television together one weekend afternoon when Amanda suddenly appeared in the doorway and out of nowhere said, “I’m sorry, Nathalie. I know that I’ve been mean to you and I’m sorry. I thought you were trying to take the place of my mommy, but I know now that you aren’t trying to do that.  Thank you for always being so nice to me.  I love you.”

She may have been only five-years-old, but she exhibited more wisdom and clarity in her apology than the average adult I know. Needless to say, my husband and I were a blubbery mess as hugs and kisses were exchanged and we realized that we were going to make it as a family. And, it’s probably that scene that plays out in my head whenever I tell people about my 19 year old stepdaughter, whose mommy I’d never want to replace. Thankfully there’s room enough for both of us in her heart.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

October 7, 2020 by splitcoach Leave a Comment

5 Ways to End an Unwanted Argument When Going Through a Divorce

There are bound to be arguments no matter what stage you are in the divorce process. Many of these arguments are most likely unwanted or unnecessary both for you and your partner. Here are 5 tips to help you stop an argument before it escalates.

  1. Keep Your Voice in Check

It’s our first reaction to be on the defense when confronted with someone angry at us. That makes it more difficult to keep calm when dealing with a tense situation. However, it’s important to remind yourself that shouting will not solve the problem. It will not make your partner hear you clearly and it won’t keep them quiet. It will only increase the tension.

  1. Step Away from the Situation

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do to end an argument is to simply walk away. This doesn’t mean you have to storm off and cut the conversation short, but by telling your partner you want to talk about the issue at a later time, it will give both of you some time to cool down. That way, you can both have a discussion with a clear mind, knowing exactly what you want to get out of it.

  1. Show Empathy

When an argument comes up, try to be empathetic and understand why your partner is angry. Try to see and feel whatever they are feeling. Even if you disagree, by allowing yourself to be in their shoes, you will respond differently which will stop the argument from getting out of hand.

  1. Know When to Apologize to Your Partner

It’s common to associate our apologies with admitting we’re wrong or it may give us the feeling of giving up. However, apologizing can be a way to express sympathy and responsibility. Don’t let pride keep you from resolving the argument.

  1. Set Time Limits

It may seem controlling to set a time limit on your conversation but setting limits will make sure both parties stay on-topic. So, whether it be 10,20 or 30 minutes, make sure you set a time limit with your partner from the get-go. This will also help eliminate any unnecessary dialogue from both parties and a solution can be reached faster.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: coparenting, coparenting tips, divorce coach, divorce coaching, divorce process, divorce tips, going through a divorce

September 23, 2020 by splitcoach Leave a Comment

Divorced, but Still Living Under the Same Roof

Are you and your spouse living separate lives under the same roof? There are many reasons why spouses stay in the same house even after getting a divorce. Some of the reasons are, they can’t afford separate places, they want to maintain a stable family for their kids, the location is close to work, etc…

Although it is not an ideal situation to cohabitate as a divorced couple, it can work if both parties establish a clear guideline on how the contact will be conducted. , This is especially important so that there is no to confusion for children or friends and family directly affected by the divorce.

Here are some tips to help both parties maintain healthy boundaries while divorced, but living under the same roof:

  • Establish a goal to eventually separate permanently.
  • Sleep in separate bedrooms.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your ex’s food, prepare their meals or shop for other necessities and vice versa. Don’t let them shop for you.
  • Each spouse should be responsibility for caring for their own space such as the bedroom.
  • Use separate computers.
  • Stop socializing together. Do not go to the movies, parties, restaurant, etc… together.
  • If you have minor children, interact as parents only when necessary from the child’s perspective and their well-being.
  • Don’t give gifts to each other on special occasions – birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close family and friends know that you are no longer married but are still living under the same roof.
  • Take advantage of separate entrances to your home if possible.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: cohabitate, divorce 101, divorce blogs, divorce coach, divorce coaching, divorce tips, divorced couple, divorced living under the same roof, divorced with boundaries, how divorce affects children, separation

September 9, 2020 by splitcoach Leave a Comment

Creating a Parenting Plan When Going Through a Divorce

A parenting plan is a default agreement if parents cannot agree. It also helps establish a pattern of consistency and consideration for each parent. In some states, a parenting plan is required before a divorce will be granted to parents with minor children.

Here are a few items to consider when creating a parenting plan.

Time Sharing. Your parenting plan should include times and procedures for transitions. This may vary depending on parents’ relationships and the ages of the child(ren). Check with your circuit/state to identify the Court’s pattern in your area. Also consider your plan for holidays, vacations, school and non-school days.

Consider the best interests of the children. Which adults have played a significant role in the life of a child and for how long? Are Grandparents neutral to the presence of both parents in the life of the child? Bring significant others to the exchange. No reminders about them coming from a split home should be present. Power, position and control impact decisions about the best interests of the child.

What the child(ren) should know. Let your child(ren) know that the plan if for them and when the divorce is final. They should know the best way to contact both parents at all times and if there is a plan for either parent to remarry.

What the child(ren) should NOT know. They should know if a parent has been unfaithful. They should not be included in the court filings and proceedings unless there is a decision that directly impacts their lives. They also do not need to know about financial details, or the negative things one parent feels about the other.

What Kids Worry About. It is normal for kids to miss the other parent and worry about their parents fighting/arguing. They may also feel like it’s all their fault or they won’t have enough time with either parent.

If you need support going through your divorce, click here for a no-cost discovery session.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: coach mediation, coparent, coparenting tips, divorce 101, divorce blogs, divorce coach, divorce coaching, divorce help, divorce questions, divorce tips, parenting plan

April 13, 2020 by splitcoach Leave a Comment

5 Ways to Dissipate an Unwanted Argument

No matter what stage you are at in your divorce, there are bound to be arguments that arise. Many of these arguments are unnecessary or unwanted, both for you as well as your partner’s mental health. Whether it be in the process of, pre or post-divorce, there are simply times you want to stop an argument in its tracks. Here are five ways that may help you find success in that process.

1. Avoid Raising Your Voice
When confronted by an angry person, often our first instinct is to go on the defense, especially if things are already tense. This makes it that much more difficult to keep our voice calm when dealing with a situation. However, remind yourself that volume does not actually do anything. It doesn’t make your partner hear you more clearly and it doesn’t shut them down if anything it fuels them.

2. Step Away
Sometimes, the most powerful way to end an argument is by learning when to walk away. This doesn’t mean an abrupt or rude exit. By engaging, you open the door to any fights occurring. By telling your partner you would like to talk about an issue at a later time, you give each of you the opportunity to cool down before pursuing your points. This way, you can approach an issue knowing exactly what you want to get out of it in a clear and concise manner.

[Read more…] about 5 Ways to Dissipate an Unwanted Argument

Filed Under: Communication Tagged With: anger, apologies, argument, communication, disagreements, divorce, divorce coaching, divorce tips, empathy, fighting, mental health, post divorce, responsibility, sympathy

March 3, 2020 by Nathalie Rosen Leave a Comment

Why Splitting Up In Texas is Simple – Child Custody

Three overfilled elevators passed before them before they were able to board one, just barely squeezing their bodies in enough so the doors would close. Their attorney guided them off the elevator on the family law floor and ushered them past the chaos of the hallway.  There were adults, babies and children clustered everywhere and it seemed an impossibility that anyone court could process this many people in a single day.

The court in question was the Bexar County courthouse in San Antonio. The couple in question was Peter and his wife Ashley who had just flown in from Los Angeles the previous day to seek joint custody of Jessica, a toddler whom Peter had fathered with an ex-girlfriend in San Antonio three years prior.

[Read more…] about Why Splitting Up In Texas is Simple – Child Custody

Filed Under: Child Custody, Court, Legal Tagged With: child custody, child support, coparenting tips, divorce coach, divorce in texas, divorce tips, family law, how divorce affects children, joint custody, judge, legal, Los Angeles, mediation, parental rights, pro se, San Antonio, SPO, standard possession order, Texas, texas divorce, visitation

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • Relationship Between Stepmom and Stepdaughter
  • 5 Ways to End an Unwanted Argument When Going Through a Divorce
  • Divorced, but Still Living Under the Same Roof
  • Creating a Parenting Plan When Going Through a Divorce
  • 5 Ways to Dissipate an Unwanted Argument

Archives

  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020

Categories

  • Blended Family
  • Child Custody
  • Co-Parenting
  • Communication
  • Court
  • Legal
  • Uncategorized

Footer

Contact

laila@thesplitcoach.com
Los Angeles, CA

  • Facebook
  • Instagram

Follow me on Instagram and
Join my private Facebook Community

______________________

Certified Divorce Coach®

Subscribe

Get notified of upcoming events and new divorce and separation resources.

  • Home
  • The Split Coach
  • Blog
  • Resources
  • Start Here
  • Disclaimer

Copyright © 2023