The Split Coach

divorce 101

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Divorced, but Still Living Under the Same Roof

Are you and your spouse living separate lives under the same roof? There are many reasons why spouses stay in the same house even after getting a divorce. Some of the reasons are, they can’t afford separate places, they want to maintain a stable family for their kids, the location is close to work, etc…

Although it is not an ideal situation to cohabitate as a divorced couple, it can work if both parties establish a clear guideline on how the contact will be conducted. , This is especially important so that there is no to confusion for children or friends and family directly affected by the divorce.

Here are some tips to help both parties maintain healthy boundaries while divorced, but living under the same roof:

  • Establish a goal to eventually separate permanently.
  • Sleep in separate bedrooms.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your ex’s food, prepare their meals or shop for other necessities and vice versa. Don’t let them shop for you.
  • Each spouse should be responsibility for caring for their own space such as the bedroom.
  • Use separate computers.
  • Stop socializing together. Do not go to the movies, parties, restaurant, etc… together.
  • If you have minor children, interact as parents only when necessary from the child’s perspective and their well-being.
  • Don’t give gifts to each other on special occasions – birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close family and friends know that you are no longer married but are still living under the same roof.
  • Take advantage of separate entrances to your home if possible.

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Creating a Parenting Plan When Going Through a Divorce

A parenting plan is a default agreement if parents cannot agree. It also helps establish a pattern of consistency and consideration for each parent. In some states, a parenting plan is required before a divorce will be granted to parents with minor children.

Here are a few items to consider when creating a parenting plan.

Time Sharing. Your parenting plan should include times and procedures for transitions. This may vary depending on parents’ relationships and the ages of the child(ren). Check with your circuit/state to identify the Court’s pattern in your area. Also consider your plan for holidays, vacations, school and non-school days.

Consider the best interests of the children. Which adults have played a significant role in the life of a child and for how long? Are Grandparents neutral to the presence of both parents in the life of the child? Bring significant others to the exchange. No reminders about them coming from a split home should be present. Power, position and control impact decisions about the best interests of the child.

What the child(ren) should know. Let your child(ren) know that the plan if for them and when the divorce is final. They should know the best way to contact both parents at all times and if there is a plan for either parent to remarry.

What the child(ren) should NOT know. They should know if a parent has been unfaithful. They should not be included in the court filings and proceedings unless there is a decision that directly impacts their lives. They also do not need to know about financial details, or the negative things one parent feels about the other.

What Kids Worry About. It is normal for kids to miss the other parent and worry about their parents fighting/arguing. They may also feel like it’s all their fault or they won’t have enough time with either parent.

If you need support going through your divorce, click here for a no-cost discovery session.